Gravity

By Rabid Dog
It's been OVER 3 long fucking years since my last post. So you know this is serious shit when the dog makes a return. My review today you ask? GRAVITY, the hit 3D film starring washed up Aids victim George Clooney and Sandra “I should stick to rom-coms” Bullock. So the cast is a bag of shite....

Where to start? Well, first of all I went to see this flea bitten wank stained film with 2 compatriots. One of them booked the tickets for the IMAX screen, now to say we had the worst fucking seats in the cinema would be an understatement, I could of been sat on the cinema managers rancid cock in the toilet from Trainspotting and the seat would of been better than what I had! Does this make “rat boy” a cunt? Yes, yes it does. On a side note, our driver for the evening “the Cobra” did the business with the parking and getting us to the cinema in style.... the only plus of the evening.

Now I’ve never been to an IMAX cinema screening before, so it was a new experience for me. An unpleasant one at that, the screen was goldfish bowled and the picture was darker than a tramps teeth.

On to the film, I’ll try and keep it brief as its UTTER dogshit, the script is weaker than Stephen Hawkins legs and more limp than Pele's dick. Bullock is some Doctor doing some shit in space, Clooney is the seasoned space veteran and there is some other bloke at the start of the film who sounds like he’d make a good Rogan Josh "in it"!.

Houston warns our hero’s in space, that the Russians (yep its always the fucking Russians) have shot down one of their own satellites creating a bit debris in space. The next message is to abort the mission and get home quick time, why you may ask? well this one satellite has managed to smash up 10 billion more satellites and created a bit of a mess, knocking out all communications, GPS, mobile phones etc etc.... James bond films have more realistic plots! Anyway, curry man gets his face smashed in from the speeding debris, Bullock and Clooney somehow escape the billion pieces. Anyway moving on, the shuttle is fucked, Bullock is running out of oxygen blah blah, they have to make to the international space station, which by chance is only 10 minutes away! Would you fucking believe it! what a stroke of good luck! Anyway Clooney cuts himself loose from Bullock so she can survive as he’s pulling her away or some crap.... hang on, this is space, couldn’t she just gently tug him towards her and he float over? Nope! Its Hollywood, can’t fucking do that!

Turns out the International space station is fucked as well, shock horror! Big fire randomly breaks out as it does, bullock saves the day and escapes in some small shuttle of some kind after surviving another billion pieces of shrapnel in space, BUT hang on! it's no fuel! not a drop..... oh dear! those pesky Russians must have syphoned the tank!. Fuck me! Its utter bollocks! Moving on to the final part of the film.... it just so happens that there is ANOTHER mother fucking space station less than 100km away, that’s run by the Chinese!, these space stations more frequent than MOTO service stations on the M6! anyway if she can make it to that, then she can go home safely back to bastard earth in there pod.... as Clooney pointed out to her early in the film, don't worry about it being Chinese, it’s the EXACT same procedure and exact same pod as the Americans would make, so no issues for her, piece of piss, have a look at some pretty pictures in a manual and off you pop by using "Eenie meeney minnie mo" to select the exact button you need to launch... just in time.What a stroke of fucking luck eh... wait for it though, before guessing the correct button, she has a "howling dog" competition with a Chinese man over the AM frequency radio.... I shit you not!But hey, she's had "6 months" training, those boys at NASA are good!

After a lot of bitching and crying etc about her daughter, she makes it back to earth... the end. Absolute sack of shit! The plot for this film was more ludicrous than Mega Shark Vs Mega Octopus. Anyone who rates this film as even average is fucking retarded, and must of seen a lot of shit over the years!!!. Some people applauded in the cinema at the end of the film, the same people then got on the Sunshine bus home. I was genuinely shocked to hear Rat Boy and Cobra rate the film, 3 and 4 stars respectively. Fuck them, there a pair of mincing twats in my eyes now. I can only assume they were pissed up, on drugs or VERY easily pleased... either way, they are cunts who should be ashamed. Silly twats.

To sum it up..... and this is hard for me to say!. I’d rather watch "Sex in the city 2" on repeat for a month than ever watch that shit again, that's how bad it is. Stick 3D up your gash and stick Imax up your arse!

I'm going to remake this film with my 2 year old daughter, I'll dress her up in a NASA suit at night time, spin my camera around for 90 minutes, get her to talk about peppa pig for a bit and send it to Warner Bros. It would be more realistic than this over hyped corny shite,

Fuck off
R.Dog

R. dog

England Fans that act like cunts
By Rabid Dog

Let me start by saying that I couldn't give a flying fuck how England do in the World Cup, If they win it Fair play I still don't give a fuck. If they lose in the Quarters then it's what I expect from the shit.... and still couldn't give a fuck.

What pisses me off are Nob Head England fans. You know the ones, the cunts in your office who come out the woodwork every 4 years pretending they know everything about football and have never been to a fucking Sunday league match never mind a proper Football match. Every office has one particular cunt that does this on grand scale, my office has one. Looks like a proper peado, speaks down to people, wears transition lens in his specs, THINKS he's really clever, Closet man united fan, been to 2 games in his life and they were freebies. Comes out with comments like "I believe Heskey is a quality player and will suit Rooneys sprints into the box for a lay off on 4-3-3 formation blah blah blah" he's a twat for sure but typical Engurlaaaand Fan.

I also dislike people immensley who have these shitty 50p England Flags attached to their cars, you look like a cunt! A big fucking stupid cunt. It makes me so mad I want to stick your plastic flags up your bastard rectum, you fucking retards!

I've never understood the concept of Booing the fuck out of a Player one week at a league game i.e. Steven "diving cunt" Gerrard, or Wobble gob Rio Ferdinand BUT as soon as they put an England shirt on... well they turn into fucking gods. Not for me, they're still cunts. England thick as pig shit mentality.

No fuck off and die you patriotic fucks. I'll back my country in a fucking war, not a piss ant football tournament where we'll get fucked over anyway.

R.Dog

The Road
By Rabid Dog

Dear God! If there is a god then he is evil! Why? because he let such a boring sack of shit film get made.... worst of all my Mrs had to spunk £6.90 up the wall for it, thank fuck one us got in free on the good old Orange Wednesday.

On to the film.... It would seem the world is fucked and pretty much everyone is dead, what can I say? fuck all really gets explained as to what has happened and why the world is fucked. They mention "a bright light" and then everything went tits up. Nuclear disaster? Fuck knows, they don't bother telling you. On to the cast... we have Viggo Mortensen who plays "the man" I call him "The Cunt", then Kodi-Smit McPhee as his young son (what a stupid fucking name!) he's more annoying than his "Pappa" in this pile of wank, the film is based around these two limp dicked twats wandering round forests looking for somewhere to sleep, both moaning that they are starving etc, trying to avoid other humans in case they kill them and eat them blah blah blah

We have Charlize Theron whatever her name is, in a series of flashbacks playing the boys mum, she just fucks off into the cold and kills herself. Great. Thats her done with. I know what your wondering.... would I fuck her? Maybe... and if I did would she thank me? You're damn fucking right she would! I'm the DOG! Anyway, the film is POINTLESS and REPETITIVE (much like my reviews), they wander from location to location bitching and fucking moaning about dying. Nothing interesting happens at all for the whole film... and the bastard weighs in at 1 hour 50 mins.

I can't be bothered now, I'm writing about this boring shit and it's boring me! I'm the cunt for typing this shit!

I'll "spoil" the film for you. "the man" dies, his son cries.... then Guy Pierce (Former Neighbours hearthrob) see's him crying and lets him join his little family... the end.

It's fucking cack!!! I've read the book and that's a pile of shit too! So I'm a grade "A" cunt for going to watch the film knowing it'll be a pile of tramps spunk. I hope I die tonight for even going to the cinema to watch this....

R.Dog

PS. I hope you all die too! Go fuck yourselves!.... and that's the bottom line!

BIG JOHN'S TAKWAWAY

By Rabid Dog

Not a fucking first, but a rare thing is about to happen on theswearingcritic!
That's right, a fucking posotive review! Here's goes....

Picture the scene, it's 1pm on a Saturday afternoon, you've had a good drive down to Birmingham from Manchester, you're think your about to watch your football team get twatted again away. You fancy a quick feed in Birmingham where do you go? McDonalds... NO! KFC... NO... Burger King... NO. Kebab?... No. Curry House... NO!

You go to a "magical" place that does all these things under one roof!, No, not Toys'r'us you fool! Well where you aks? BIG JOHNS! thats fucking where!. I shit you not, this place does every fucking type of food under the sun and has a fucking drive thru. Me and my chum Nic, pulled in to the welcoming car park at around 1 bells, we were as hungry as Vanessa Feltz after she's had a shit. Pretty Damn Hungry then.

I stroll inside the building to see a ton of people waiting for there chosen tasty delights.... and what delights they were! There were about 50 staff like busy bee's ensuring you didn't have to wait long. Fucking Triple decker burgers, tasty SF Chicken, Cod and Chips, Lamb curries, chicken Curries, Chicken Kebabs, Lamb Kebabs, Pieces of Steak. Pies, Pasties, Full Chicken Piri Piri!, Pizzas (not just any pizza you fuck wits... a 20" pizza") YES a 20" pizza. Big Johns does a pizza as big as my cock! Unbelievable! all this freshly made in front of your very eyes.

Genuinly, for a greedy fucker like myself, it gets no better than this. I've eaten at some of the finest Michelin Starred restraunts in the world, Gordon Ramsays at Claridges, Le Gavroche in Mayfair... I've done it all. Big John's destroys the opposition. I opted for the Full Peri Peri Chicken with a massive portion of chips, A couple of Meat Samosa's and a 2 litre bottle of coke. How much do you think this cost me, you brain dead bastards!....£15? Nope.... £10? Nope. Surley no cheaper?... well fuck me backwards! 5... FIVE... yes, FIVE POUNDS! I questioned the lady on the till that I'd be undercharged by a large ammount, she read my order back to me and said FIVE POUNDS! DONE!

So for a fiver you're thinking, "it must of tasted really shit!" that's what I thought before I tucked in! Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelisous! first class feed. Couldn't of asked for more. My pal Nic had Cod and Chips and a large coke. How much! Well if he hadn't of had the drink, it was about £1.70! He ended up paying £2.50 in the end all in. The fish was huge and he couldn't finish his chips. God Bless you Big Bohn.
20" pizza for £9.99... Done. Donner meat and Chips for £0.99p.... Done. Cod and chips on a Friday... £0.99p DONE!!!!

McDonalds, KFC, Ramsays and every place on the planet that serves food can fucking close down, all we need in EVERY city of this country is a Big John's! FACT. It's number 1 in my eyes. Stick Hardens and the Michelin guide up your arse, Big John's twats the lot. Now fuck you.

PS. My team won as well. So fuck you!

Mr. R. Dog

Fucking Shit Transport in the UK
By Rabid Dog

Right you twats, I'm back and angrier than ever! This bastard rat shit country fucks us over at the best of times.... My arse gets raped by the government every month for Tax and National Insurance, my wallet gets fucked up the arse every time I fill my car up and god forbid I get ill, the NHS will probably fucking kill me with some superbug in the Doctors surgery or hospital because some foreign national nurse hasn't washed her filthy hands after wiping her arse!.

My complaint this time is why does our country's transport shut down after 10pm!? I've only just realised this because I drive everywhere, and I mean everywhere. This is because I don't want to share the fucking bus or train with some stinking unwashed tramps or some chav who's just cashed the Giro and is off to spend it at KFC "innit!".

Anyway, I decide I want to use the public transport system next month to get to London from Manchester and return back the same day after watching a fucking football match. No problem I'm thinking, the most used route in the country for Trains, planes and coaches is the London to Manchester route. Off I go to Virgin trains website, key in my dates and roughly what time I want to travel... getting down to London, no problem and pretty cheap as well at around £26, getting back to Manchester fucking forget it!!! They'll run a train every 8 seconds in the day for you, but when the sun goes down, Euston and Piccadilly are like the opening scene from "I am Legend"... fucking dead.

Bear in mind I’m not asking for a train at 3am! I'm asking for a train from our Capital City at 10:30pm (not unreasonable?) to get me back to our other big fucking city, Manchester!, I don’t want want to travel from Jersey to fucking Rawtenstall, it's London to twating Manchester! No Dice. Last train to Manchester is 10 bells... end of. Tough shit. Fuck you. Freeze and Die on a platform. Drop Dead. Virgin doesn’t give a fuck. Richard Branson doesn't care.... why? because he's wiping Sol Campbells spunk out of his beard!

Soooo, the train is a no go, it's not happening. Plan B... The coach. Good old national Express will sort me out. Might take 4 or 5 hours tops but they'll get me back. Errrr No Fuck off! Next coach on a week night for me is 11:30pm.... wait for it, here's the kick in the bollocks. 7hrs. Yep 7 hours. That’s right 7 FUCKING HOURS in the middle of the night on our dead motorways in our own country. No I'm not going to Russia, because that's what you must be thinking.. I'm going up the M1 and M6. Train and Coach Fuck you! Lights out... Party over.

Plan C... The good old Iron Eagle won't let me down! Heathrow and Gatwick, two of the busiest airports in the world, I'll hop on 40 minute flight back to Manchester. No Problem. Hmmmm.... Afraid that's not going to happen. Why? No fucking flights after 9pm! We've shut down for the night sir, fuck you. BA, BMI and whatever other shit flies to Manchester, want my arse banged by George Michael and some Tory MP in some bogs in Clapham Common because I can't get fucking home by any means except fucking driving or hitching a lift from a prostitute murdering, illegal immigrant carrying lorry driver. Every other country in the world, including the most 3rd world piece of shit, getting around at anytime of the day or night... no problem. The UK.... "Go fuck yourself".

R. Dog

TV Licensing Agency
By Rabid Dog

My fat fingers are shaking like a heroin addict after his last hit!, but unlike the fucking junkies, my fingers are shaking with rage as I type!

Who's upset the "Dog" this time eh!? I'll tell you who!! The bastard cunting TV Licensing Agency that’s who! Let me set the scene, I’m sat at home minding my own business, got some tasty chicken dippers and spicy wings roasting away in the oven, I’m having nice game of PES 2009 with some twat online, I’m winning! The Mrs is working late and footy is on the tele in about an hour. Life is good... UNTIL.

Knockaty fucking knock on the front door..... I open up and am immediately greeted with some kind of ID card blasted in my face. The "dog" is worried that the old bill are about to raid my house for dead prostitutes or some shit? on a side note, "They'd be better off going to a lad in works house for that kind of shit. He's killed once.... he'll do it again!" Anyway It turns out its 2 CUNTS from TV Licensing. They ask if I’m Mr. RabidDog.... I say say yes, they immediately read out some kind of police caution and told the bloke behind him will record everything I say..... Fucking good Im thinking, I hope he likes the word "Cunt" and can spell it correctly.

They then bang on about how I've bought a new tele at John Lewis's dept store sometime in October and how I haven't got a TV License! Im immediately enraged, 1 at being disturbed by these mongs and 2 that my "ball and chain" has actually got a TV License and pays the Fat Greedy bastards at BBC £139 a year to watch repeats of dads fucking army and some twats "Stricly come dancing" bollocks! I blast them telling them to fuck off etc, I ask them does this fucking address have a TV license registered to it?? they say YES! I say What the fuck are you doing on my door step then!!! After a few moments of heated discussion and me foaming at the mouth in a furious rage.... the men decide it's best to fuck off before I explode.

Im livid.... not as livid as the next day when they send me a fucking letter telling me I haven't got a TV License in "my name". To cut it short, I rang the thick bastards, got through to some chap called Andrew, he threatened to hang up if I swore again, I told him if he hangs up "I'll drive to Bristol right now and wait outside his fucking building and will start punching anyone that exits the building that remotely looks like an Andrew and I'll gladly spend a few months inside HMS Strangways for the pleasure of delivering some "shock and Awe" on the BBC" that is of course unless he lets me finish my rant... In fairness he lets me finish and then agrees with me 100% that they are inept twats. I was assured no more people will come to my door and no more letters will arrive. Im still raging about it now 2 days later for no good reason!! So what you gonna do about it!!!! Fuck all as I thought.

Now Fuck off and die along with them Cunts at the BBC.... the only country on the bastard planet where you need a "License" to watch some fucking Tele. What a bastard Joke!!


fuck you.

R. Dog!!

Barcelona Olympic Stadium
By Rabid Dog.

I was reminded of this piece of shit today by a colleague. This rant goes back a few years! Me and an old pal went to Barcelona for a holiday, to kick back have a few drinks every night and a good feed. Well first of all Barcelona STINKS!! I mean fucking stinks of human shit! It's a nest of the worst kind. I despised the shit hole and the fucking prices for a drink were shocking, shocking as in the shock you might feel if somebody snuck up behind you and put a massive truncheon up your arse hole!! Spanish twats!

Anyway moving along, im about 3 days into my holiday and feeling pretty down. My old pal "ratboy" decides he'll try and cheer me up with a nice trip to Barcelona’s Olympic stadium... now to be fair to ratboy, he did warn me it was pretty shit, but it was something to fill the day with.

After trekking up a MASIVE hill/mountain (did have some escalators built in to be fair) we reached the summit. Rat boy guided me into a horrible piss ant concrete falling down, stinking of piss, shack crumbling nasty building with a horrible fucked up football pitch and something that resembled a running track. I say to rat boy, "this is fucking shit, lets go and have a look at the Olympic stadium, not some retched division 2 football ground"........ Then it hit me!! it hit me real HARD! the response came "you daft cunt, this IS the Olympic stadium!", now I've known ratboy for over 10 years so I know when he's joking and pulling my chain, to my horror and utter disgust he was deadly fucking serious!

I was in the place where they held the fucking Olympics!!! Needless to say I had an absolute horrific rage at anybody who would listen, ranting on about how shit I thought this place was and that somebody should blow up Barcelona, the Spanish looked a little bemused and the tourists a little shocked at me frothing at the mouth. Thank fuck Stevie Wonder is blind, if this is the shit that one of Europe’s "top cities" has to offer I wish I was fucking blind too!!

A non football league Sunday club in the arse end of Wales would have a better "stadium" than this piece of shit! It was a low day in the life of Rabid-Dog and believe me I've had some VERY BAD days, this ranks amongst the worst, Ratboy had to get me lashed up that night and sort me out a big steak feed to calm me down. Just thinking back to this day makes me want to kill myself!

Barcelona.... GO AND FUCK YOURSELF!!!!!

R. Dog!!


PS I wish I was dead!

Indiana Jones And The Dogshit Skull
By Rabid Dog

I've seen some pretty shit films over the years, I mean REALLY shit, some have almost been unwatchable to the point of wanting to kill myself in the cinema. These include Seven Years In Tibet, The Blair Witch Project, Catwomen, Batman & Robin, superman 4, Jaws 4, Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow etc etc. You get the picture. Let me just say that my previous review of Sex and City was a big thumbs down, BIG thumbs down! I hated the shit... BUT, I'd rather watch Sex and the City 1,000,000 times thats right 1 MILLION FUCKING TIMES than watch Indian Jones and the crystal skull one more time.

My blood is actually boiling while I type this! I cannot put into words how bad this fucker is, I know I've said this before but I REALLY genuinely mean it now, maybe I've been a little harsh in the past?? maybe not? but this time I'm bang on the money and if any cunt argues with me on this I'll fucking cripple them!

Every scene in this piece of shit was a mess! Harrison Ford is so old he can't even stand up straight in numerous scenes. I can't give the plot away, why you wonder? 'CAUSE THERE IS NO FUCKING PLOT! Cate Blanchett is an absolute reck and her Russian is as convincing as mine after 70 pints.

Everything is shockingly bad, forget what you have seen in the previous installments of this franchise, George Lucas and his old pal Steven Spielcunt have fucked us all up the arse with a huge bollard by doing this shit. Some lad who starred in the transformer film, Shia Letwatt whatever he is called... his acting, well, lets just say is more wooden than Sherwood Forest. Our hero Indy survives a nuclear bomb by hiding in a fucking fridge!, gets rescued by clinging onto a green rubber snake and basically pulls of moves more unrealistic than the fucking Matrix Reloaded.

The only way to explain the end of this "tramps pile of sick" film, is that some crystal skull gets ploncked on a skeleton and then it turns into an alien for no reason at all.. NO REASON! some flying saucer appears, makes a big hole in the ground and then fucks off... with Indy, his hag mrs and his "son" and waving the cunts off... it's the most pointless film I've ever seen in the history of movies EVER. Having my dick chopped off, fried up in piss and garlic by a chinese restaurant, then served up to me on a bed of fried frice would have been more enjoyable and had more of a point to it than this sack of shit. There are MANY other thing wrong with this film but I can't be arsed. I'm close to tears at having to remember how bad it was. Oh yeah, the CGI looks like it was programmed on a fucking ZX Spectrum.

The whole world should be wiped out, so nobody ever has to see this turd again.

As Gordon Ramsay would say... DONE!! Now fuck off.

Rabid Dog.

Sex And "The Fucking" City
By Rabid Dog

Fucking old hag cunts!! I can't think of any other way to start this review. It been a long time since this page was updated, it was going to take something special to bring the Rabid Dog out of retirement, I mean something so fucking bad that I wished I was dead beyond belief.... well its happened.... sex and the city happened to be precise.

This bastard of a film has been tossed in my face everywhere I look for the past 2 cunting months, I'd drive to work and see the bastard on billboards, on the side of phone boxes, even plastered all over black cabs. I'd get home for a rest up and put the tele on... you guessed it!! Advert after fucking advert for sex and the city coming to a cinema near you on the 28th May, what do I think... "Thank fuck I don’t have to see that! Looks a load of shit!!"

WRONG! Picture it now, your sat at home minding your own business watching some shit on SKY Sports with a cold can of coke and a slice of pepperoni pizza in your mitts (life is good until.....), your girlfriend wanders in and see's the advert for sex in the city on tele, you are then told "I really love that!! I've seen every episode when it used to be on! were going to see that!! I can't wait".... I felt like my heart had been fucking ripped from my bastard chest and stamped on by a sumo wrestler.

I protested that I hadn't ever seen any of the shit on tele years ago and it would be a waste of time me going. Anyway to cut a long story short I ended up booking some fancy fucking seats at the printworks costing 30 quid in total... my thought on this was if im going to get cocked over for a piece of shit that’s over 2 hours long I may as well be comfortable and have a beer in the cinema.

So Im sat in the "lounge area" having some nachos and popcorn waiting for the misery to begin, well it starts earlier than I expected.. 4 girls/slags wander into the lounge area "thinking" there like the hags from the film, you could hear them banging on "oooh your like Kim Cattrall character in real life and oooh your like Sarah Jessica Parkers, ahhh you dress like Kristen Davis blah blah blah!!"... ok, first of all... all these hags in the film are pretty loaded with big paying jobs, wearing the latest designer clothes and expensive handbags, They live in big fancy fucking New York apartments and fancy dan houses in LA, drive big fuck off Mercs and BMW's etc.... these slags in the cinema live in council houses in Longsight, buy there clothes from Asda George and Mark One, work as part time cleaners in Ladbrokes and can't drive cause there too fucking stupid. The only reason they are sat in the expensive part of the cinema is because the government fucked up there Giro this week and over paid them child benefits for one of there 17 kids. They must have fannies like a ripped out fire place.

Anyway onto the film... I'll be brief! there aint much to tell! Sarah Jessica Parker "carrie" (who is fucking hideous looking.... think of Rocky's face after 15 rounds with Drago and you'll get the picture!!) is getting married someone called Mr Big, he gets cold feet and fucks it off (wise choice) all of her whore friends cheer her up by shagging people, shitting themselves (I kid you not) and breaking up with there partners as well.... 2 hours 15 minutes later after many fashion montages and tears all ends well and they eventually get married. The end!!

They could have done the film in under 90 minutes but cocked me over big time. PS Kim Cattrall is best remembered from hit films like "Porky's" and "Police Academy" not shit like this. There’s some Ginger beast in the film and somebody else who likes running and shits herself. They all look really terrible, Face set on fire and put out with an axe type of terrible. The type of girl you see around Ancoats in Manchester.

It was a bad night for me, I hope I have gained your fucking sympathy after my ordeal. Now fuck off and die.

R. Dog.

****BREAKING NEWS**** Things couldn't any worse than sex and the city right!! WRONG! I've seen the new Indiana Jones Film!! Watch this twatting Space!

"Fashion" Scarves!!
By Rabid Dog

I'll make this quick and to the point!....
You fucking poncy mincing cunts!!! I aint a fan of scarves at the best of times, that's 'cause I'm usually roasting like a fucking dog even in the coldest of temperatures! Whats really fucked me off though, is these cunts who I see in ANY fucking weather wearing a scarf with no coat on, or even worse these utter twats who wear a scarf indoors cause they think there fucking "cool", your about as cool as Garry Glitter in a fucking crèche!

I've come to the conclusion that any man who wears a scarf indoors, without a coat on or in the summer is a 100% fucking homosexual or a paedophile.... or possible both!! also why do you cunts insist on doing a special knot? instead of just putting the 2 pence Korean manufactured piece of shit made by some blind fucking spaz of a 3 year old, who gets paid 17 grains of rice every 2 months round your neck, you have to tie it into a "Double Windsor" knot or "triple spliced hitch knot" well you bastards I've got news for you!! If I catch you mincing around in your scarf near me I'll make a noose out of the fucker and will hang you with it, you CUNT! also you all have same hair styles, spiky with blonde fucking streaks! you stinking pieces of shit! I hate you faggot fucks! drop dead!!!

Rabid Dog

Fat Diet Coke Drinkers…..
By Rabid-Dog
Here’s my thought on this!!… I’m standing in line in the local McDonalds / Burger King or KFC waiting to order my king sized meal. Some Fat bloated fuckwhit of a whale is stood in front of me, banging on to her mate or boyfriend (the sick bastard) about how she’s going on holiday in a few weeks and needs to lose weight, being a chubby fucker myself I think fair play but she’s in a fast food joint??, I’ll giver her the benefit that she going to order the chicken salad wrap or some low calorie baguette?

Is she FUCK!!! Her turn comes, and its “I’ll have the bargain bucket 12 piece dinner, 9 extra hot wings, 2 tubs of coleslaw, a chicken filet Zinger super dooper tower burger, extra large fries, gravy, 20 chicken strips, a tub of ice cream and erm…. A small DIET coke cause I’m watching my weight!!” What the fuck? You’ve just ordered a 90,000 calorie meal for yourself, you’ll twat anyone in your family or any of your friends who dares to asks if they can have a hot wing or a chip from your mammoth meal.... but it's all ok cause your having a DIET coke! Somehow drinking a Diet Coke wipes out your huge fucking fat meal?

What filthy fucking fat elephant looking cunts you are! Just order the fucking full fat fucking coke, I know your fat, your family knows your fat, your friends call you “fat fucker” behind your back, the fish in the sea even know you’re a fat cunt and hate you, especially the Cod and Haddock as they know come Friday night you'll be eating 10 of them with chips!! you ain’t going to lose any weight after that meal you fat fuckers! You make me sick!!

I also see this situation everyday in my works canteen, the fat fucking cunts from accounts come pouring down the stairs at 10am like a heard from the zoo at feeding time, order 9 million rashers of bacon, 200 eggs, 400 sausages and…. You guessed it a DIET coke! FUCK YOU ALL and drop dead you stupid cunts!

Rabiddog!

SHOPS

This is my review of shops, or more precisely one particular aspect of shops.

When you buy anything at all nowadays from a shop, why the fuck do they always ask you 'Would you like the receipt in the bag?' in such a solemn way as though it's some life or death situation? They never used to ask you and things ran pretty smoothly so why the fuck start now?

Put the receipt in the bag or fucking don't you cunt, I honestly don't give a shit. They never do one thing or another without asking you either, until you answer this critical question, the transaction is paused indefinitely whilst they look at you like a gormless twat. I don't see why they have to fucking ask this question, what the fuck does it matter what you do with the cunting receipt. If I had my way I would bend them over and stick the receipt up their arse - and they'd thank me for it.

Life is to short to worry about wanting a receipt in a bag or not. They all end up in the hands of some identity theiving bin dipper eastern european immigrant bastards in the end anyway so what's the point? Shop owners - stamp out this sickening practice right away you fucktards.

Fuck it, I'm never going shopping to any town centre again. I'd rather be dead. And when I do die, you can stick the receipt for my funeral up my partially decomposed rectum if you want. Just don't ask me first.

Ratboy

My Companys Canteen!!....
By Rabid-Dog

I’ve been hanging back on this fucking review for ages, but today was the final straw! I stroll down at 10am looking forward to a nice feed, what do I get??? Shit and piss on a plate!

I’m hungry, I ask for a “Full English” there was nothing full or English about the pigs swill that was dished up onto my plate!. I got some bacon that must contain about 1% meat, the sausages look and taste like a tramps stool after 70 cans of warm special brew, the “tomatoes” and use that word loosely!! are just fucking red cunting stalks that taste like they must have been grown in Chernobyl’s fucking power station. The hash browns have been cooked for about 3 seconds, and you wouldn’t feed them to a dog! Speaking of cooking, fuck all that was dished up to me has ever seen a bastard flame in its life. I thought the “bacon” was going to get up off my plate and walk back to the pigs hoof where it came from, the beans is that 2p a tin shit from Aldi or somewhere and the mushrooms have been grown in some faggots arse!

They cant even get toast right! Burnt on one side, never seen a flame on the other????? What the fuck!!? RETARDS!

As for the service, don’t get me fucking started!!, most of the fucking beasts that work there are friendly enough, although they look Jeff Goldblum from the hit movie “The Fly” when he’s all fucked up and mangled, as for the boss of the canteen, she just fucking hates everyone! She throws your food at you, after she’s slopped it all over the plate, your cup of tea (which taste like sawdust, shit and puke) is launched at you and then the final insult…. the fucking price!! in our supposedly subsidised canteen! It would be cheaper to eat at fucking Gordon Ramsays!, the shit off my shoe would taste better as well! How the fuck I’m still alive after eating this shit is a medical miracle! I wont even go into the lunch menu! Its even worse than the fucking breakfast!

I wish I were dead! Now go and fuck yourselves!!

RABID-DOG!!!

Marks & Spencer’s – Manchester
By Rabid Dog

It’s a nice Saturday afternoon, I decide to pop into M&S and have look around, more specifically I’ve gone in to buy a hat!! Yes a fucking hat! You thick twats A black “rocky balboa” style hat to be precise, after trekking up 10,000 escalators I get to the men’s floor! Why the fuck do the men have to climb Mount Everest to get to there fucking section?? Eh!! I find that sexist, racist, rude, disgusting, saddening, shocking and down right fucking callous! Can’t think of anything else so fuck you.

Anyway, I get to the Men’s floor, can’t see no bastard hats, go up to one of women who works there (she was pretty fucking hot!, apart from her Worzel Gummage style hair) I ask very nicely “could you tell me where the hats are please?” she says sounding like an uneducated slag “Haaaats?” I say “Yes hats!”, “erm, erm, erm… I don’t think we sell hats sorry”, I say slightly enragd “YES YOU DO!, I’ve seen them on your web site”, “erm, erm, erm, I’ll go and ask someone, please wait here” the daft slut sounded like David Beckham aged 3 and seemed very nervous around me. I can’t blame her to be fair! what girl isn’t nervous around the Rabid Dog? My stunning looks have been described by many as “Brad Pitt style” Others say I’m more like a “Cess Pitt” Twats!

Moving on, some M&S bloke who I can only describe as, “from the deepest part of the jungle” appears and points out the hat section!, he points cause he only speaks “Ungo Bungo Bongo” language, he also smells like snake/baboon shit…. I say thank you, he just looks at me funny. Stupid Jungle Cunt. I find the hat, try it on, look in the mirror and decide I look a cunt. After pondering like a dithering 90 year old bastard I decide No Dice and go and buy a jumper instead…. I then go to HMV (the little one on Market St.) and fly into a rage within 3 seconds cause its about 140 degrees in there, I have a loud foul mouthed rant at anyone who cares to listen and storm out, I’m not happy at all by this point, to top it all some homeless stinking tramp then literally jumps in my face and shouts with a dog turd / piss/ garlic / bells whiskey breath “BIG ISSUE SIR” I’m not in the mood and tell him to “get out of my fucking face or your going to have a big issue with me!” he actually says sorry and then I feel bad…. for about ¼ of a second the dirty cunt.

M&S 3/10
HMV -500 / 10
Tramps upsetting me 1/10
My day so far cause of retailing giants, jungle men and tramps -1000000/10… i.e I wish I was dead and it’s only 3:30pm!

Fuck you all till next week!

The New Swearing Review!!!!
The swearing film critic has been upgraded to include reviews of any fucking damn we thing please!!
So im starting the ball rolling with a review of McDonalds in Pilsworth Bury.

Where do we start! well lets start with the car park of this nest, I don't like it! Its not a friendly car park! I want Ronald fucking McDonald himself to great me! what do I get? Jack shit!

So I enter the "restaurant" and get to the counter, no queue, things are looking good.... no dice!! No bastard can be bothered to serve me. 2 fat fucking reptile lizard type looking women, who look like they've eaten there fair share of Big Macs over the years are stood there gassing away about how they need to lose weight, while frothing at the gash wanting to feed another 10 quarter pounders with cheese's down there fat faces. Eventually one of these humungous beasts decides to serve me, I decide on a big mac meal with a nice still fanta. 5 minutes later the food arrives! Fast food my arse!....

The tray that my big mac was delivered on looked like it had been shat on by Monkeys in Chester zoo. The burger didn't fair much better, lets just say it didn't look like the fucking picture on the menu! Cunts! The "special sauce" tasted very special indeed.... like fucking Jizz!! Basically my meal was a fucking disgrace and the food wouldn't fill a cockroaches belly!!

And wrapping my review, just one last point! why do all the McDonalds staff look like "women" out of Prisoner Cell Block H?? they are fucking awful! I know McDonalds believes in equal opportunities, but all there staff seem like nasty spazs??? anyway fuck off im done!!

Rabid Dog

'King Kong' Reviewed by the swearing film critic

I said King Kongs balls not Ping Pong Balls.

It's over three fucking hours long. I mean really it’s over three fucking hours long. If it was free porn or free XXX, then fucking awesome but its not. Other people might fucking go on about what a brilliant fucking technical achievement it is but fuck that its three bastard hours long. Three hours that I am never gonna get back.

So called Movie man Carl Denham Jack (I’m a bigger fucking monkey than King Kong) Black takes a fit blonde bird Naomi Watts, Cock nosed twat face Adrien Brody and Boat full of dirty seamen, it to the unknown. It’s all very fucking scary.

It’s over an hour before we even see the bastard Monkey. Once they find Skull Island it just happens to be full of fucking dinosaurs, man-sized leeched and mongs. Then finally you get the “monkey” everyone else will go on about the CG for half a page “lardy fucking dar” I say. Oh and the biggest fucking monkey ever managed to get drugged up after two small bottles.

The big return to New York City, It’s all very big and very clever. King Kong goes mad and climbs a building. All this because he cannot shag his bird, someone could have told him early doors that it’s not going to work out. I don’t go round trying to shag a thimble, Think about you cock.

Don’t bother watching this shit.

Oh and some fucking retard in front of me leaving the cinema said, “I don’t think it would work if they made that film in Bolton” NO SHIT SHERLOCK.

In Her Shoes
Starring Cameron Diaz
Toni Collette and some bloke cunt
Reviewd By Rabid Dog

I actually went to see this film about 3 weeks ago with the Mrs, but it was so long and drawn out I couldn't be arsed writing fucking review...
I still can’t be arsed.... but I’ll have a go for you cunts out there.

Right then!! First of all lets start with the cast.... we have Maggie played by pig faced, pot holed, bent nosed fucking beast Cameron Diaz, next we have Rose played by Toni Collette, words cannot describe this "women/animal" as The film critic said in an earlier review, you cant polish a turd and believe me Toni Collette is a Turd, a big stinky dirty fucking filthy vindaloo style turd... there’s no polishing that fucker.

Moving on to the story, Maggie and Rose are sisters how the fuck the producers thought they could pass them off as sisters is fucking unbelievable, its like saying Mike Tyson and Tony Blair are fucking brothers!! anyway they are complete opposites in every way, Maggie (diaz) is a 1st class slag who shags everyone and has no job, and her sister Rose is some top fucking fancy dan lawyer with her own gaff and nice car etc but no man (cause shes a filthy dog).... basically slag Maggie moves in with Rose when her parents kick her out, Rose happens to pull a bloke one night but Maggie shags him behind her back and gets caught.

Let me just add, we see plenty of Diaz's legs and arse, the director did a good job of limiting her nasty skanky face on screen. Diaz has got a good figure, but is so thin I can only come to the conclusion she is in the advanced stages of HIV/AIDs. Im no doctor, but the evidence is there for all to see!!!

Carry on with the story, Maggie then has to fucks off cause Rose kicks the slag to the kerb, she the decides to go and meet her grandma that she has never seen since her mum snuffed it when she was young blah blah, Rose meets a nice guy at her company, quits her job falls in love with him blah blah, she’s never been happier but misses her slag of a sister which cause her and her new man to break up. Maggie moves in with Grandma who looks like she stinks of piss and shit and they don't really get on, but Maggie gets a job helping the old bids out and her and piss smell start to get on after all, I say Diaz sucks old mans cock for $2 the ho. She starts loving her life too. Then Grandma wants to meet Rose thus eventually reuniting the two sisters, Rose gets man back and get married, sisters get on great again and find they have plenty in common and so on. Whole family is very fucking happy.

In a nutshell, your Mrs will like this film! she really will!!! you blokes out there will squirm like diseased rats in your chair; the fucker is OVER 2 hours!! and its hurt... hurts a lot!! Thankfully my mrs brought the smile back to my face late on, but thats another fucking story!

What can I say to wrap it up??... what I always say!!! Fuck this film its RAT SHIT on a pole! and you can all just suck my dick and burn!
Now FUCK OFF!!!

Flight Plan reviewed by the swearing film critic
This film is a BIG lump of horseshit. I would not even bother reading the review as you cannot polish a turd.

Flightplan is a half-baked thriller. The fucking shit conclusion would be laughable if it wasn't such a fucking disappointment. And if anyone mentions the words "surprise twist" in association with this film is cunt.

Foster plays Kyle, an engineer that just happened to build the fucking plane who, with her young daughter Julia in tow, is going from Berlin to New York to bury her dead husband. Shortly after takeoff, she drifts into a deep sleep ( mad fucking mother ). When she awakens three hours later, the little shit has gone missing. Boo fucking Hoo. No one remembers seeing the little shit.

You see “the good bits” in the trailer and that’s it. So watch the trailer and save your time and money.

Lord of War Reviewed by the swearing film critic

Cineworld are cunts not only do they charge you shit loads to watch a film but there cinemas are so fucking dirty lets just say I have seen cleaner crack dens. Plus if you buy a hotdog (More expensive than a house in Bolton) and ask for fried onions you don’t get fucking fried onions you get shit. Yes shit little crackly bits of shit.

Cineworld I give you the two-fingered salute.

Right you cunts the film. Nicholas Cage is the Lord of War; Cage plays Yuri Orlov, a Ukrainian-American who gives up his parents' dogshit restaurant. Ramsey would not even walk passed this joint, to find a more lucrative lifestyle as an international arms dealer. While his crack-addict brother (Jared Leto) knows the truth, Orlov's glamour-model wife Ava does not (I often say that I would love bang the shit of the fit sluts in films, that’s because it’s true you cunts).

Cage is the shit. Cage also tells the pilot of his that he is the shit just before he lands a fuck off plane on a dirt road in the middle of some aids ridden country. The best of the film is when cage nails a line of coke mixed with gunpowder. This proper fucks him up, he even shags a dirty little aids victim.

Orlov is a lying shit that would do anything for a deal. It also helps if your uncle in charge of the Russian army and then the cold war ends and you buy up all there shit, including helicopters, tanks and shit loads and I mean shit loads of guns. Then ship it all to Africa and sell to those poor bastards. In fact all Africa does is take money from other countries by pleading poverty and then spunk it all guns and RPG’s. That’s all you need to know now fuck off.

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.

Starring Rob Scneider, Eddie Griffin.
Reviewed by "Rabid Dog"

Well I went to watch this fucker at the weekend with the “Mrs”.

Let me start by saying I was "treated" to a 10 minute fucking advert for H&M!! 10 fucking minutes!! some bird sings for 10 fucking minutes! the ads about jeans and singing!! this set me up in a bad mood! although to be fair at the end of the ad the slag got shot dead! still fucking made me sick!! bastard H&M hope they go under! twats!

Also on another fucking note AMC cinemas can fucking burn for not having onions for there hot dogs, but advertising them! i'll sue the bastards!! to be fair a theiving scouse who served me made up for it by putting chillies and shit on it for me! he gets a single star for that! actually fuck it no stars for being a scouse cunt and robbing my wheel trims!

To start things off, lets say that sequels are usually ratshit. This bastard is no different, sure you’ve got the odd laugh, but fuck me was this film poor, I left the cinema thinking that wasn’t so bad, but now I’m thinking what a disgrace.

The first film was much fucking funnier, we’ve got the two main characters back who are good old Rob Schneider as Deuce and Eddie Griffin as T.J. In this dog, Deuce fucks off to Amsterdam to hook up with TJ, cause he’s been accused of kiddy fiddling or some shit? All the gigolo’s from countries far and wide are at some award shit to see whos the best gigolo in the world, one problem, somebody is killing all the gigolos!!! Thus fucking up TJ (the pimps) business. He sends in Deuce to find the women who is doing this…..

Then the predictable wank starts, deuce going on dates with fucked up women. Same gags as the first film blah fucking blah! He goes out with some bird who 10feet fucking tall, he goes out with some other bird who has a hole in her throat, you guess all the fucking gags, he even goes out with a bird who has a dick for her nose… when she sneezes bob munk “cums” flying out. Funny…. For about ½ a second! Twats!

In another scene TJ his pimp eats some chips from a toilet???? What the fuck? WANK!! NOT FUNNY! Fucking burn you filthy dog of a so called “actor” cunt.

Deuce meets some fit bird who’s scared of door handles and slaps herself etc, to be fair shes fucking stunning and I’d dick her in a second… to be fair id probably be finished in a second! But guess what!? She’d fucking thank me for it!! Deuces Mrs from the first film has died by getting eaten by a shark, so he carries her plastic leg around…. Another fucking wank joke that no cunt laughs at!! Actually this film is the fucking pitts and I mean a deep dirty stinking rat piss and puke pitt!! Don’t bother with it! I used to like Rob Schneider, now I wish the cunt was dead for putting me through that bag of wank!

I should have abandoned the film and give the “mrs” a good dicking in the cinema instead!! Some thick cunts will love this film and claim its awesome, any of you other normal bastards out there will turn on it like a rabid dog! Don’t even watch it on DVD, actually you should have stopped reading this after paragraph one! What a waste of my fucking presious time typing this shit up! Now fuck off!!!!!!!

PS. Johnny “Im a cunt and deal drugs to kids” Vaughan has a cameo in this film which has sent me into a rage… why you may ask???? Well let me spell it out for you: he’s a C. U. N. T and that’s a fact! Look up cunt in the dictionary and good old Johnny will be there! Now you can all fuck off for sure!

The Longest Yard Reviewed by the swearing film critic

This is the American version of Mean Machine basically you replace football for American football. Bish Bash Bosh you the longest fucking yard. Big fucking shit anyway. Ex-American Football star-quarterback, Paul Crewe (Sandler plays the same character in every fucking film), hasn't had any credibility since he was banned from the sport for allegedly throwing a game. One night gets fucked up on the booze and nicks his bird’s (Courtney Cox who has massive tats in the film) car and starts a drunken police chase through the city streets fuck yeah.

He gets nicked and put down for 3 years. His presence there is due to the fuck faced warden needing a professional player to assist in coaching his semi-pro guards' team. Crewe's advice is to have a pre-season game against a team they're guaranteed to beat. The team is the inmates put together by Sandler.

The prison has some right shit inmates no fucking Ronny Barkers in this joint. Then comes the struggle of Crewe getting respect from the other inmates to get a shit team together and then build up to a fucking decent one. It’s all the usual bollocks. Then the film gets going as each fucking sociopath puts there shit down on the pitch.

I bet you don’t guess the ending it’s not predictable at fucking all. Oh and Mr Deuce Bigalow pops he ugly little fucking head up out of the crowd and flops out his best line “ you can do it “.

If you are going to go see this film take some chocolate raisins and fucking enjoy them. More people need to start eating chocolate raisins fuck pop corn, fuck hot dogs, fuck crisps there all dog shit compared to the mighty chocolate raisin.

Green Street Reviewed by The Swearing Film Critic

First things first, if you want to watch a football hooligan film go watch ID and fucking deal with it.

Set in the “world” of football hooliganism, Elijah Wood (Fucking cock nosed pixie) is a former journalism student who joins West Ham's 'firm' and runs riot with his newfound mates in London's East End. Based upon West Ham FC's own unofficial gang of Spunk Monkeys known as the Green Street Elite (GSE), the film tells of how disgraced Harvard student Matt Buckner (Wood) gets sucked into a world of violence.

Arriving in England, Matt is introduced to the gang by his brother-in-law's younger sibling, Pete (a history teacher – Fag) now the self-styled leader of the GSE. While Matt's sister Shannon (I Would deal with it all night long) is appalled that her brother has become a member of his own personal Fight Club, her husband Steve suffers divided loyalties between his wife and his tearaway brother. As the film progresses, the once-great GSE - on the decline since the departure of their mysterious leader The Major - experience a renaissance after the fucking fanny. Matt joins and discovers he has a taste for blood. Expelled from Harvard for drug dealing he took the rap for his rich roommate (that needs inviting to a blanket party the cunt). Matt has a lot of pent-up anger as he did not have the balls to kick the twats face in. Meanwhile, West Ham -v- Millwall in the FA Cup, meaning a head-on collision between two of the league's hardest firms. Led by the fucked up Tommy Hatcher, scarred by the loss of his own son during a clash years before, the Millwall boys are out for revenge - not helped by the defection of greasy GSE member Bovver. Just in case you don't quite get the main theme, Pete handily sums it up: "We stuck by our mates and stood our ground. That's what it's all about."

Right here what’s wrong the so called fucking leader of this bunch of cockney twats does not even have a cockney accent, the fight scene’s are shit, there is to much talk of blowing bubbles (Wacko Jacko’s Monkey) and who in their right fucking mind cast Elijah Wood for this role.

This film has been branded dog shit by me. Instead of watching this film stay home slip on your smoking jacket and listen to a bit of Kenny G.

Red Eye

Reviewed by Rabid Dog

Starring: Rachel McAdams; Cillian Murphy

I went to see this fucker on Saturday with a lady friend and we both had the same fucking opinion at the end of this dog of film! fucking rat shit on a pole! It was defiantly a film of 2 half's, it starts off nice enough then fucking rapes your arse with all the predictable wank!

The plot of this bastard is as follows:
Hotel manager/executive Lisa (McAdams) is catching a flight home to see her old fucked pops, some fucking psycho chap called Jackson played by Cillian Murphy is booked on the same flight as her, he wants some cunt of a politician or some shit killed, this politician happens to be staying at the rats nest of a hotel that Lisa works at, psycho man needs Lisa to change this politician to a different room in the hotel so his buddies can rocket launch his room and kill the bastard. Following so far??? I know its fucked!!!

Anyway, psycho man makes friends with Lisa at the airport (just let me add right now that Miss McAdams becomes more fuckable everytime I see her!! my jizz is hers for FREE anytime she wants a slice!), plays the nice guy, buys her a drink blah blah blah then acts surprised when there sat next to each other on the plane, when the fucker takes off he tells her that he's a psycho and he'll have her old man killed if she doesn't ring the hotel and get Mr politicians room changed. She doesn't believe him, so he gets her dads wallet out and tells her loads of shit about her family, then the slag believes him.

Moving on, Lisa (Mcadams) is made to ring the hotel and change the room, but a freakish storm cuts off the planes phones, but Lisa being a clever girl pretends to still be on the phone! but gets found out cause Mr psycho is even more clever! The next scene made me piss my pants laughing cause it was so unexpected, Mr Psycho loses his rag from nowhere and head butts Lisa knocking her clean out!!

At this point the film everything is going quiet well, everything is good. Im enjoying it!! My peanut M&M's aren't melting, the fucking popcorn even tastes sweet and fresh unlike some slags clouts who reside at the Ritz nightclub.... then bang.... the script writers must have decided to do a project where they hand the writing over to a bunch of fucking nursery children... in a word the film becomes the fucking "Pitts".

Lisa stabs physco in the throat with a "monster" pen when the plane has landed, he pulls it out nicks some old slags scarf to cover his wound and carry's on no problem even though the cunt has got a big hole in his throat!!, they both avoid ALL the airport security, even though she does the usual I'll fall over shit and he'll nearly catch me. She then robs someone's car, manages to make a phone call to save the chap in the hotel, hotel gets blown up but every fucker is ok, she gets to her dads gaff and kills the guy who was going to kill her pops and then has a showdown in the house with Mr Physco.

At this point the film is fucking laughable and believe me plenty were pissing themselves in the cinema, Mr physco speaks to her and sounds like old purple rinse bag who used shag percy in Coronation Street!. The usual happens, physco dies, police turn up an hour later.... everyones the fucking hero!! Bob Wank!!! Fucking Die Wes Craven! and yeah once again i've told you everything that happens in this sack of shit!!! this really could have been a good film.... but don't bother with it, its pure fucking sewage.

PS. Theres a ginger receptionist in the film that for some unknown reason I'd like to break in too.... with my cock!.
Sweeeeeeeeeeeeet!

The 40 Year-Old Virgin
Reviewed by the swearing fim critic

BANG. The first scene is a shoot of Andy Stitzer (Carell) with a lob on as he stumbles out of bed and into the toilet. Stitzer's home is full of fucking boxes of pristine action figures and a mountain of video games. Stitzer cycles into work at an electronics store. He is a fucking loser of the highest order and probably wanks over Dungeons And Dragons.

All it took was a couple of fucked up incidents around when everyone else was popping some sluts cheery and that was it for Andy Stitzer, he missed that fucking boat by miles. As years went by, his BIG V became more of a burden. Stitzer's colleagues guess his secret during a poker game, when they take turns to tell dirty stories and all Stitzer can come up with is that a breast "feels like a bag of sand".

So his buddies set out to get Stitzer laid, first dragging him to a nightclub in search of drunk sluts (I would have suggested IKON in Bolton), then taking him to a Hooker (I would have suggested The Bunny Club in Bolton). While this is going on they are slowing trying to help him through it all by using phrases like "Stop putting the pussy on a pedestal". He pulls a bird in bookstore and she does not seam anything special. Anyway he gets wankered off the booze and ends going back to this birds gaff. She is a dirty slut and ends up getting in the bath and starts sorting herself out with the showerhead (Good Girl) He cannot handle it and fucks off the pussy. Meanwhile, the whole time he is slowly wooing single mum Trish (MILF).

By the end, Stitzer's virginity is portrayed as heroic. Which is bullshit as there is nothing heroic about being a virgin and there is also no excuse for having had your balls licked. This film is half an hour to long and by the end you just want it to finish but it is funny. So go watch it and look out for the old Asian guy that keeps telling everyone to “Go Fuck a Goat”. Awesome

The Business Review by the swearing film critic.

First of all I must warn you that if you are offended by the word “cunt” don’t watch this film, as most of the script is “cunt” “you fucking cunt” and “you fucking ginger cunt”. If are offended by that then “FUCK OFF YOU CUNT”.

This lad’s flick promises a lairy cocktail of birds, booze and drug busts on the Costa del Sol. Set in the 80’s, the movie follows Frankie (Danny Dyer from Football factory), on the run after twating his mums pissed up boyfriend to death. Arriving in Malaga, he falls in with drug baron and playboy Charlie (Tamer Hassan). In Charlie's gang, Frankie can fill his boots with sun; sea and sex, dressed all the while like an extra from Miami Vice. But the dream turns sour when they piss off the fag mayor.

All the stereotypes are out - suave, slick as fuck gang boss, a fucked up nut job as a right-hand man and the new kid on the block. The love interest Carly (she would love my population paste) does fuck all 90 minutes and does not even get her little tats out.

In the Eighties everyone loved to swagger around in Sergio Tacchini tracksuits. One thing for sure it’s got a fucking awesome soundtrack of Blondie, Frankie Goes To Hollywood, Spandau Ballet.

If you liked playing Vice City on play station then you will love this film. Word of warning if your anything like Rat Boy or Rabid Dog, get someone else to drive as road rage is likely and just hope nobody looks at you funny or bumps into you as there going to get fucking filled in the cunts.

Smokey and the bandit
Reviewed by the swearing film critic

Smokey and the mother fucking Bandit was the right movie at the right time, everyone fucking loved Burt Reynolds, country music, and CB Radios. Reynolds plays the P.I.M.P.I.N Bandit, a car driver who accepts an offer from little and large to illegally haul 400 cases of beer across state lines for $80,000 cash (Back in the 70’s that a shit load of dollar bills). The Bandit never turns down a challenge, he then teams up with his Cledus (the slack jawed yolk) and his dog Fred, to drive the truck, while he drives a shiny black dick (the slickest trans am with gold bastard rims) to luring the police away from the 18 wheels of beer, as they will have to speed the whole way in order to make it in time to claim their money. Along the way, they pick up a sperm bank bride-to-be, who has just ditched her wedding with Sheriff Buford T. Justice's son and hitched a ride with the Bandit. The Sheriff is pissed and soon becomes obsessed with butt fucking the Bandit, as well as getting the bride back for his son.

Sheriff Buford T. Justice played by the great Jackie Gleason. Gleason plays the best southern sheriff ever as he and his son play cat and mouse with the bandit from one state to the next. The cast of charcters is the bomb, a mobile cathouse, samurai trucker, friendly undertaker, biker gang and so many dumb ass cops.

Forget cannonball run, convoy and dukes of hazard. Smokey and the bandit has been ripped off so many fucking times by so many piss poor films and television shows that it people don’t give a shit nowadays. This film is fucking awesome it’s got everything go out rent it or buy it, Watch it then come back and tell me what you think. This film gets Burt’s 12inch hairy cock and cock knocks everything else out of its way.

“Thats a big 10-4 Good Buddy” pure fucking gold

The Terminator

Reviewed by Rabid Dog
Starring: Arnold Scwartzenegger; Michael Biehn
Linda Hamilton

Lets cast our tiny fucking minds back to nineteen eighty fucking four..... we got one of the best films ever made! James "I wish he'd died on the titanic" Cameron directed this beauty. I shouldn't need to tell you cunts what this film is about as you should have all seen it... if you haven't don't read on cause you deserve to have died Tom Hanks Philadelphia style!... but just in case you've not dropped dead of AIDS heres the summary!!!

Now bear with me here.... the year is 1984, theres going to be some big fuck off war in the future man against machine/cyborg, man wins cause of a guy called John Conner (thank fuck we didn't see the twat till the sequel). Anyway the machines (terminators) decide to send there best/baddest motherfucker back through time to kill Johns mum, Sarah Conner (played by Linda "i'd dick you" Hamilton) thus making the machines win the war in the future cause the little bastard won't have been born!.... are you following you thick cunts?.. GOOD!. Man also decides to send there best solider back through time to stop the the Terminator (Kyle Reece - played by Michael "Rabid dog has a bigger dick than me" Biehn) hence were all set up for one big mighty clash!

The Terminator (Arnie) has a big advantage on Kyle (Biehn) cause he's a big strong metal fucker that looks human and will stop at nothing to kill his intended victim. Anyway moving on, the terminator twats some guys, ripping there fucking hearts out etc for there clothes at the start of the film, next job to go and get some guns... lots of the fuckers! then get to the phone book and start killing all the sarah conners till the job is done.

Kyle is finding things a bit more difficult, just getting one gun and following sarah to try and keep her safe. Sarah meanwhile is just a nice waitress oblivious to all these goings on until she see's the news and realises all the sarah conners in her city are being slaughtered by a maniac, then she shits her load....

Basically, Kyle saves the slag getting shot up in a nightclub then tells her about the future war, she tells him to fuck off and says he's talking crap, then one of the best speeches in film fucking historty gets delivered! "That Terminator is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with, It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear... and it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead"
This makes her think twice and they go on the run with big arnie after them.

They escape but the plod picks them up, looks after Sarah but interrogate Kyle in the cop shop. Next scene is awesome.... The Terminator strolls into the cop shop looking cool and hard as fuck in his 80's rabans, asks to see sarah, they tell him to fuck off... he says "I'll be back!!" a star and catchphrase are born! Terminator kills every bastard except kyle and sarah

The closing of the film is awesome! The fuckers after some shenanigans end up blowing a truck up with the terminator inside! he lies there burning like a dog on a skewer on a hong kong street. They think he's dead.... No fucking way!!! up rises a big metal bastard and starts chasing them cunts down in a big factory.... kyle dies like a soft twat and sarah becomes the hero by killing the machine in a crusher! (if you haven't seen the film, ive just ruined it for you and told you everything that happens!! HAHAHA!!! fuck off!)

Wrapping up, this film rules the fucking world, the effects for the time were well ahead of all other films, Schwartsenegger became a massive star overnight because of this film, he hardly had to say anything except fuck you and I'll be back and play the perfect bad guy!, Biehn played a good hero and Hamilton did a good job throughout, she even got her "tats" out briefly for a shag scene.... to be fair I've seen better fried eggs but I'd still fuck her the ho. Even if you've seen this film a million times! go and watch it again NOW!!!!!

Our new advertising campaign.

Mike Bassett England Manager

Reviewed by The Cobra

Ordinarily I would hate anything with the fat scouse toss pot Ricky Tomlinson in. He is about as appealing as a turd in a swimming pool, the jailbird scumbag shit eating blob nosed wanker. But Mike Basset – England Manager is one fucking awesome film, a magnificent triumph in film making. And if you don’t agree with me then you can fuck off right now.

Bassett is the manager of shitty old Norwich City, who like a jammy fucker nails the England job through luck rather than skill (apparently there weren’t any fucking Swedes willing to take the job on for only £4 million a year, Eriksson you dome headed tosser). He then embarks on a magnificent footballing odyssey in attempting to guide England to World Cup qualification. As usual England are shit, but hey nonny-no they manage to stumble through and reach the finals in Brazil. They then go and get pissed up in Brazil and have some fights with some foreigner shitheads.

This film enjoys a star studded cast, from Bradley Walsh to some other people I’ve forgotten – so what, fuck off if that upsets you. Limp dicked twat face Pele turns up a couple of times too come to think of it.

Classic moments are in virtually every scene of this film, from the Gazza like Tonka’s awesome Jacuzzi antics to a pissed up Basset dancing on a bar, smashed out of his head. Best moment of all though has to be the delivery of the magnificent line – “We’re playing four-four-fucking-two”. Fucking ace. Come to think of it this is probably the best line in cinema history. Clark Gable can fuck off with his “frankly my dear I don’t give a damn!” line. Who the fuck is he trying to impress, the dodgy porn tache wearing wanker? That’s not swearing for the twenty-first century, for fuck’s sake.

Downsides to this film? Fuck all. Stop reading this dogshit and go and watch Mike Bassett, now.

Diff'rent Strokes Season 1 Reviewed by Rabid Dog
Staring: Garry Coleman; Todd Bridges; Dana Plato
And Conrad Bain

Well this aint a fucking film review!! SO WHAT you twats!! what you gonna do??? Fuck all as i thought!

Well I watched this Classic 70's/80's gem last night on DVD and fuck me were the first few episodes painful to watch, the fucker isn't a good as i remember! basically if you have never seen or heard of Diff'rent Strokes, your either 8 years old or a fucking spaz dog mong that doesn't own a tele!. Moving on with the plot, the show started in 1978 and ran for about 7 or 8 years, its about a white guy that takes in two homeless black kids to live with him.... it starred old bastard Conrad Bain as Mr Philip Drummond he's the VERY rich white guy that owns some fancy fucking dan company and lives in a penthouse.

Drummond had a black housekeeper that he really cared for but she died, but before she croaked it she make Drummond promise to look after her to kids (very fucking nice of her!!... what a cunt!) this is where pint sized Arnold (aged 8) and Willis (aged 13) come in, played by Garry Coleman and Todd Bridges. Arnold is a cheeky scamp with a sharp mouth and Willis is just a cocky cunt who the producers should of killed off by episode 4 the annoying twat!, the show follows there life and "lessons" in life blah blah, the show also stars Dano Plato as Drummonds daughter Kimberly and some old fat hag as the mouthy housekeeper.

The show had it's funny bits, I remember it being much more funny when i was a kid, the line "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout willis" launched the show and it became a family favourite and was a big ratings puller in the states, anyway the show got cancelled in '86 so it had a long fucking stint and to be fair was pretty good clean family fun, but thats wank to me! I like a good kicking and some tits in my films/programmes!.

The Show did touch on subjects like drugs,sex and fighting but it was a load of pussy wank! Drummond would say "Arnold, you must never fight try talking your way out if it" fuck that! if i was Drummond i'd be telling him to kick the lads head in, glass the cunt in the eyes and smash his teeth out with a pub ashtray... kids have got to learn sometime!!!.....

What was funny though was what happened to the cast after the show cancelled! awesome! first up we've Todd Bridges (willis) he ended up homeless and broke, coked up to the fucking eye balls everyday and nearly died, shame he fucking didn't!! Then we've got Garry Coleman the star of the show who made a good few million from the show only to have his real life parents piss it all up the wall! he now works as a fucking security guard in some shopping mall! the fucker is only 2 foot tall for real! who the fuck is he going to stop!

Then the best of the lot saved till last! Dana Plato, young innocent Kimberly! innocent my arse, she got pregnant during season 5 in real life from some crack dealer, left the show, lost all her cash.... got hooked on drugs.... robbed a grocery store.... became a porn star! (oh yeah, flash them titties and the "camel"!!!) and then fucking died at the ripe old age of 34 of an overdose!! Tragic but shit happens you losers!! buy the dvd off ebay for £6.99 like i did and if your around the age of 11-16 then you can have a "barclays bank" over young kimberly! ooooh yeah

Dukes Of Hazzard Reviewed by the swearing film critic

If you don't know about the fuckin Dukes, you must have been a dirty shit eating fucking retard that didn't have a telly. Bo and Luke are in the memory of any impressionable boy, who liked nothing better than fucking things up and screwing cars.

The Dukes Of Hazzard is what-you-see-is-what-you-as.Johnny Knoxville from Jackass, Seann Michael Scott (rock out with my cock out) from American Pie. There is no fucking wit apart from the bit where stifler says "put another srimp on the barbi" FUcking awesome ma man. This is an fucked up tribute to a hot shit series about a Southern family of pikey's. It's as traditional as Uncle Jessie's (Willie Nelson) moonshine. Which might i add would be the shit if they started selling that at the cinema, it might even make some of the fat ugly fucking camel jockeys at my local cinema start looking half decent.

Bo wins the annual Hazzard Rally, In The General Lee (BANG this car is the best it's like a black prada coat or hot beef tea), year in, year out. This year, Boss Hogg (Burt Reynolds) which is horse shit have they ever seen boss hog maybe Danny DeVito, "the meanest man in Hazzard County and crooked as a hillbilly's smile," is going to make sure his driver wins. He pulls out all the fucking tricks and he knows how to get dirty as shit after drinking guiness and when he mixes them, he gets Nasty and that's what the boys are up against.

Bo (stifler) is a cousin of Luke (jackass) and both are cousins of Daisy (i would bang the shit out of that). In the South, families knit tight and no outsider, however rich and fancy, is going to tear them apart Right this means that there fucking interbread arseholes that all have the same auntie called tracie. Dasiy Duke what can i say about Daisy Duke. Point One you would fuck her til the cows come home. Point two you would love to spunk on massive tats and finally if i was bo or luke i would deal with it who gives a shit.

Happy Gilmore

Starring Adam Sandler

Reviewed by Rabid Dog

Awesome.... just fucking awesome.

This flick from 1996 still makes me piss my pants to this day! Adam Sandler plays the wild crazy twat called Happy Gilmore. The plot is basically that Happy is a failed hockey player with a big "rage" problem, one day he comes home to find that the twats from the IRS (thats the same as our cunts at the Inland Revenue that take all our fucking money every month) are repossessing his 90 year old grandma's house cause shes paid no tax for 10 years or some shit? anyhow, Happy realises by accident that he can twat a golf ball 500 yards in one hit, so he decides to make some cash by challenging the local spaz's at the golf driving range, hoping to make enough cash to save his grandma's gaff.

He soon realises that he needs to enter some proper fucking ponce tournaments to make some serious dollars! so he enlists the help of old golf pro Chubbs Peterson (played by rocky's own carl weathers), chubbs has a wooden hand so can't play anymore cause a 'gatter bit the fucker off. Anyway Happy starts climbing the ranks and gets a massive fan base cause he keeps on getting into fights with golfers and TV celebs live on tele. One memorable scene see's happy take on American TV host Bob Barker in an amusing fight on the golf course that will make you laugh like a choaking dog, if it doesn't your a humourless cunt who should be put down.

Happy's nemesis in the film is the evil "Shooter McGavin" played excellently by Christopher McDonald, he's the number 1 golfer in the world and fucking hates happy cause hes so popular on the tours, happy also has the usual love interest in a film of this nature played by some blonde bitch who im not sure if i'd dick or not??? shes borderline boiler material, but then again balls to it, i'll do it and she'll thank me!

Basically "shooter" ends up buying Happy's grandma's house in an auction cause hes fucking loaded and then they end up playing in a tournament for the house.... pretty predicable shit, but really good shit none the less, its just the little touches, like Happy flying into rages and twating people for no good reason, the awesome 1 liners that get delivered by Sandler and McDonald, the scene where happy fights an alligator cause it eats his golf ball... it's just the whole cheesiness that makes this film a great fucking film! Theres even a little cameo by Richard Kiel (played JAWS in james bond) as happy gilmores old boss who also likes a good rage. All in all a 1st class fucking film! if you haven't seen this gem then buy the fucker on DVD its only about a fiver you tight bastards! If this film doesn't impress you and doesn't leave a nice taste in your mouth after watching it then I hope you fucking drop dead you miserable cunts!

Crash Reviewed by The Swearing FilmCritic

The film is set LA the home of every fucker and there bastard son where they CRASH into each other. The film is set around that fact that everyone is a fucking racist.

Sandra Bullock plays a rich bitch that needs a good shafting, whose car gets jacked. Matt Dillon (honkey) plays a racist cop, who finger fucks a black woman because he knows he can get away with it, There’s a black TV director who has been forced to sell out to get ahead in his career (the boy has sold out so much he cannot even spell Ghettoe). Michael Pena's Hispanic locksmith, whose clients suspect him of being a gang member (bald head loads of fucking tattoos all over him and baggy ass pants defo a gang member), A Arab shopkeeper, who is fucked off because he cannot speak fucking English and Don Cheadle's a cop whose knobbing a rainbow bird (a mixture), whose car crash links all these characters together.

Great performances give weight to the fucked up issues the film is trying to raise. Unfortunately because there are so many fucking stories the plot becomes too forced. Each character undergoes a reversal that changes their dog shit perspective on the world.

Love Actually

Starring Bill Nighy, Colin Firth, Hugh Grant - fuck it there’s too many to mention

Reviewed by Rabid Dog

Fuck me!! what a fucked up predictable film this filthy dog is!!

Basically this film is about a bunch of twats that fall in love with the right/wrong people. It’s set a month before Xmas and has loads of little fucking stories about all their relationships.

Let’s start with the cast. Bill "I’m a cockney cunt" Nighty, he plays and old fucked up drug snorting rock star who releases a version of love is all around called xmas is all around, anyway him and his fat Rab-C-Nesbit manager love each other but don’t realise this till near the end of the film... fucking poofs.

Next up is Hugh "oh great, lovely, spiffing" Grant who plays the prime minister who falls in love with some biscuit lady played by former Eastenders slag Martine "I really am a fat cunt, but think I’m fit" McCutcheon, guess what? they fall for each other near the end of the film!....

Next up we've got gravel faced, gravel voiced smug twat Alan Rickman who's married to equally horrid looking Emma Thompson in the film, basically he wants to shag some bird in his company, Mrs finds out, cries, he says sorry and then!... you guessed they fall back in love at the end of the fucking film! bit of a pattern here isn't there?

Next up we've got Colin "I think I’m a better actor than anyone else on the bastard planet" Firth, who plays the exact same role as he does in all his fucking films, just watch Bridget slag Jones diary to get my meaning, anyway he fucks off to France cause his Mrs is shagging his brother and falls in love with foreign bird.... guess what happens!!!... they get together at the end of the film!!! REALLY!!!???? to be fair you'd smash her to bits in the bedroom, but she might split into two pieces she’s that fucking thin!!

Next up is Horse faced, I’m and anorexic slag Kiera Knightly... fuck it I really cant be arsed anymore, all the stories end the fucking same, even some little kid gets his end away with some yanky slag at the end of the film.

To sum up, its the type of shit your ho of a girlfriend will love and cry at blah blah any real man who sees this film will just want to kick all the casts head in and take a blow torch and a pair of pliers to Hugh Grant and Colin Firth for a nice torture session.

Just one last note, the character I hate most is "Marc" played by Andrew Lincoln, why you may ask??? Cause he thinks he's fucking Justin Timberlake with his stringy shitty hair, people may remember him from the "hit" BBC 2 series a few years back called "this Life" he played the character "egg" oh yeah and he's a first class cunt!... What a bad egg indeed!