The Terminator

Reviewed by Rabid Dog
Starring: Arnold Scwartzenegger; Michael Biehn
Linda Hamilton

Lets cast our tiny fucking minds back to nineteen eighty fucking four..... we got one of the best films ever made! James "I wish he'd died on the titanic" Cameron directed this beauty. I shouldn't need to tell you cunts what this film is about as you should have all seen it... if you haven't don't read on cause you deserve to have died Tom Hanks Philadelphia style!... but just in case you've not dropped dead of AIDS heres the summary!!!

Now bear with me here.... the year is 1984, theres going to be some big fuck off war in the future man against machine/cyborg, man wins cause of a guy called John Conner (thank fuck we didn't see the twat till the sequel). Anyway the machines (terminators) decide to send there best/baddest motherfucker back through time to kill Johns mum, Sarah Conner (played by Linda "i'd dick you" Hamilton) thus making the machines win the war in the future cause the little bastard won't have been born!.... are you following you thick cunts?.. GOOD!. Man also decides to send there best solider back through time to stop the the Terminator (Kyle Reece - played by Michael "Rabid dog has a bigger dick than me" Biehn) hence were all set up for one big mighty clash!

The Terminator (Arnie) has a big advantage on Kyle (Biehn) cause he's a big strong metal fucker that looks human and will stop at nothing to kill his intended victim. Anyway moving on, the terminator twats some guys, ripping there fucking hearts out etc for there clothes at the start of the film, next job to go and get some guns... lots of the fuckers! then get to the phone book and start killing all the sarah conners till the job is done.

Kyle is finding things a bit more difficult, just getting one gun and following sarah to try and keep her safe. Sarah meanwhile is just a nice waitress oblivious to all these goings on until she see's the news and realises all the sarah conners in her city are being slaughtered by a maniac, then she shits her load....

Basically, Kyle saves the slag getting shot up in a nightclub then tells her about the future war, she tells him to fuck off and says he's talking crap, then one of the best speeches in film fucking historty gets delivered! "That Terminator is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with, It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear... and it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead"
This makes her think twice and they go on the run with big arnie after them.

They escape but the plod picks them up, looks after Sarah but interrogate Kyle in the cop shop. Next scene is awesome.... The Terminator strolls into the cop shop looking cool and hard as fuck in his 80's rabans, asks to see sarah, they tell him to fuck off... he says "I'll be back!!" a star and catchphrase are born! Terminator kills every bastard except kyle and sarah

The closing of the film is awesome! The fuckers after some shenanigans end up blowing a truck up with the terminator inside! he lies there burning like a dog on a skewer on a hong kong street. They think he's dead.... No fucking way!!! up rises a big metal bastard and starts chasing them cunts down in a big factory.... kyle dies like a soft twat and sarah becomes the hero by killing the machine in a crusher! (if you haven't seen the film, ive just ruined it for you and told you everything that happens!! HAHAHA!!! fuck off!)

Wrapping up, this film rules the fucking world, the effects for the time were well ahead of all other films, Schwartsenegger became a massive star overnight because of this film, he hardly had to say anything except fuck you and I'll be back and play the perfect bad guy!, Biehn played a good hero and Hamilton did a good job throughout, she even got her "tats" out briefly for a shag scene.... to be fair I've seen better fried eggs but I'd still fuck her the ho. Even if you've seen this film a million times! go and watch it again NOW!!!!!