Lord of War Reviewed by the swearing film critic

Cineworld are cunts not only do they charge you shit loads to watch a film but there cinemas are so fucking dirty lets just say I have seen cleaner crack dens. Plus if you buy a hotdog (More expensive than a house in Bolton) and ask for fried onions you don’t get fucking fried onions you get shit. Yes shit little crackly bits of shit.

Cineworld I give you the two-fingered salute.

Right you cunts the film. Nicholas Cage is the Lord of War; Cage plays Yuri Orlov, a Ukrainian-American who gives up his parents' dogshit restaurant. Ramsey would not even walk passed this joint, to find a more lucrative lifestyle as an international arms dealer. While his crack-addict brother (Jared Leto) knows the truth, Orlov's glamour-model wife Ava does not (I often say that I would love bang the shit of the fit sluts in films, that’s because it’s true you cunts).

Cage is the shit. Cage also tells the pilot of his that he is the shit just before he lands a fuck off plane on a dirt road in the middle of some aids ridden country. The best of the film is when cage nails a line of coke mixed with gunpowder. This proper fucks him up, he even shags a dirty little aids victim.

Orlov is a lying shit that would do anything for a deal. It also helps if your uncle in charge of the Russian army and then the cold war ends and you buy up all there shit, including helicopters, tanks and shit loads and I mean shit loads of guns. Then ship it all to Africa and sell to those poor bastards. In fact all Africa does is take money from other countries by pleading poverty and then spunk it all guns and RPG’s. That’s all you need to know now fuck off.