Flight of the Phoenix

Starring Dennis Quaid, Giovanni Ribisi, Hugh Laurie.

Reviewed by RatBoy

This is a remake of the supposed 1965 Robert Aldrich ‘classic’ which in itself was based upon an Elleston Trevor book and purports to be a true story.

Firstly, any film that stars Quaid is worthy of our attention because he is the fucking business and to my knowledge has never made a bad film, in much the same way that Kurt Russell hasn’t. I give you Jaws 3D, Innerspace, DOA – the list of stone cold classics just goes on.

However, the great man’s winning streak is in real danger here as this film is a crock of shite.

Basically Quaid is a hard ass oil man with balls as big as King Kong, who goes around shutting down loss making drilling outfits, and not giving a fuck while he does it. The man was born to play this part.

This time he is sent to some fucking rat’s nest in the middle of China to close down English twat Hugh Laurie’s operation.

To cut a short story even shorter, the plane crashes on the way home and the motley collection of rough necks have to at first survive, then as things get tough, think about getting home.

There are a couple of problems with this film: first of all the story is wank (in fact there is no fucking story – they crash, they build a new plane from the wreckage, then they get home), but the bigger problem is that all the characters are fucking twats and you don’t want any of the cunts to survive. Particular mention must be given to Ribisi who plays a weasel faced toy plane making faggot - I wanted to slash his belly open and gut him like a fish right from his first appearance on screen. How you are supposed to root for this toss pot is beyond me. Hugh Laurie plays an annoying pencil necked English cock sucker straight out of the Hugh Fucking ‘gosh, golly’ Grant school of acting that you wish would just dry up and blow away like the desiccated turd he is. The rest of the cast may as well have not even been there, I can’t even remember who any of them were apart from the supposed love interest (Miranda Otto) who has a face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle.

The special effects look like they were done by Stevie fucking Wonder on an etch-a-sketch machine and the soundtrack makes up for its lack of subtlety by being so fucking loud you can’t hear yourself fart (and I did try).

The question has to be why bother remaking a film that was bobwank in the first place? You can’t polish a turd. And if you are going to do a remake, then for fuck’s sake don’t make it fucking worse than the original dogshit.

Dennis Quaid you should be a-fucking-shamed of yourself.

Should you watch this film? Suit your fucking self dickbrain, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. Me? I’m off to watch Jaws 3-D. For the 28th time.